Parts I did not like:
"For less than a buck
Because the goddamned luck
Was running low these days"
The less than a buck phrases were not particularly poignant, and added very little to your poem, while taking the quivering beauty of it and debasing it. Buck is somewhat of a colloquialism. Do away with it. Even if it does rhyme. better not to rhyme and keep the integrity (or integritty, nudge nudge) of your poem.
"Dancing ‘cross the video game land of plastic"
The comparison of superficiality in the world to plastic has been worn out. Look for something else.
The rest was wonderful. I liked the last two stanzas especially. Maybe in a rewrite focus more on stanzas similar to those two.
Points: 890
Reviews: 212
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