I stripped the world naked
And it’s clothes,
Like 50 cent thrift shop rags,
Drifted away
Naked world
It was like a side-street whore
Willing now to fuck
For less than a buck
Because the goddamned luck
Was running low these days
It was like a Christian boy
That had run away from home
Because he wanted a fuck
For less than a buck
With a side street whore
Naked core
Unrolled cigarettes and figurines of ballerinas
Dancing ‘cross the video game land of plastic
And angry teenage poetry
Mixed with calming lies
Littering the surface
Gasoline stained skies
I never called it real
The oil is starting to pour
From the lips of virgins
As they bite back testy retorts
To their mothers
And druggies basketball courts
Are where the only laughter lies
Hurricane of mine
Drunken illogic notes
Passed from manicured hand to manicured hand
Fall around us
Like raining acid
That we drink –
Because it tastes like water
In a naked world
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Parts I did not like:
"For less than a buck
Because the goddamned luck
Was running low these days"
The less than a buck phrases were not particularly poignant, and added very little to your poem, while taking the quivering beauty of it and debasing it. Buck is somewhat of a colloquialism. Do away with it. Even if it does rhyme. better not to rhyme and keep the integrity (or integritty, nudge nudge) of your poem.
"Dancing ‘cross the video game land of plastic"
The comparison of superficiality in the world to plastic has been worn out. Look for something else.
The rest was wonderful. I liked the last two stanzas especially. Maybe in a rewrite focus more on stanzas similar to those two.
Eh... I've seen better poetry from you.
Because I'm a grammarian at heart...
"And it’s clothes" should be "And its clothes." Why? Because the apostrophe indicates the contraction of "it is." Cool, huh?
The rhymes "fuck" and "buck" were overused, and kind of annoying as well. I don't know about you, but the "ugh" sound in both those words is a dull sound that doesn't seem to resonate at all. Well... it does a little bit for the word "fuck" but only because that word is considered taboo anyway.
Work on it a little, and I'm sure it'll be fine.
This is awesome.